http://autismdiva.blogspot.com/2006/01/ballastexistenz-its-what-they-train-us.html
We can relate to this. Although we’re no longer in a situation in which we’re being taught ABA-style methods for ‘acting normal’, we still feel the ‘need’ to act normal whenever we’re surrounded by others. And right now, that’s just about all the time. It makes dealing with an already stressful situation even worse, because any ‘weird’ behaviour would either be made fun of, or would be asked about constantly, where we are. We ’stim’ because we find it soothing, and because it relaxes us, and to be robbed of another means of relaxation just makes matters worse. We also feel that we have to modify our posture and speech. (We sit up straighter when others are around, but when we’re alone or around people who really don’t care about how we look, we tend to have more ‘economical’ posture. This depends on who’s fronting, though; some people tend to slouch more than others, no matter where they are.) There’s also the relative lack of downtime, which isn’t healthy, either.
For example, we often calm down by talking aloud to one another. (Some of us talk to themselves, too, even when other Fenners aren’t around.) Talking aloud helps us to process certain thoughts better. Unfortunately, if we were to talk aloud in front of some of these people, it would be very conspicuously ‘weird’, especially because our voices are distinct, and it would be an obvious conversation. We also say things repetitively to calm ourselves down. This, too, would look strange and ‘inappropriate’. We also have a few fine- and gross-motor stims, too, like hand-flapping (which we were apparently ‘trained out of’), doodling things in the air, tapping our fingers, and twitching. All these things comfort us, but they would cause a great deal of discomfort to others around us, so we try not to do those things where other people can see. But since we’re constantly around other people–ones who don’t know us well, that is, and wouldn’t understand why we did what we did–that really eliminates most of the time we have to simply relax and do things that comfort us.
There’s also the aspect of pretending to be nonplural, which is also a drain on our energy, but this is more about the autistic stuff. Richard’s currently writing an essay about that he’s going to add to the main articles page when he’s finished with it.